Doing great today, only 3 ginger snaps so i wouldn't faint this morning!  Im going home next wednesday for a couple of days and i want to have lost five to ten pounds before i get there.  I think im also going to dye my hair dark brown almost black on sunday cause ive been really feeling the emo look the last couple of days.  For everything i have gone through i think i deserve it and my parents will understand.  I mean i lost two best friends or which i thought were best friends.  And one of them knew of my ed and would always try to make me eat so now i dont have her pushing me to throw some food down my throat.  Which is awesome,  i still sometimes want to be friends with her but now that i think of it she totally tried to change me with swearing and drinking and eating when i didnt want to.  I have a feeling that she will go blab to everyone what i am but idc cause im leaving this stupid college town to go back home next month.  I will be going to a bigger school and i will get to see me family more.  I miss my lil bro so much he is a ton of fun and he will be so proud of me if i get down to my goal weight.  He can be shallow some times he likes it if his friends are skinny.  But whatever cant wait to weight myself again.  The last i saw was 153 but my friend said the scale is off by like 5-10 pounds so as long as it says 148 on friday i will be pysched.

I have no drive to be here anymore.  I want to be alone all the time but instead my roommate and her boyfriend are always in the room.  I want people to leave me alone and i dont want to be here.  I dont care about school and everything else.  But i know i should care and try to have a good time cause it will make the time go by faster.  I think i might try to visit my sister next weekend, i need to get out of oswego.  And i miss her it would be great to see her.

alright im going to allow myself a night of fun and drinking!  I know i dont do it like ever but i think it will definatly boost my spirits i mean i do have a month and a half more in this hell hole they call school.  Know your priorities but always allow yourself some fun.

A ton of b and p today! Tomorrow is going to be better liquid fast, just diet pepsi, water.  So talked to my boy we are good, but still depressed.  My roomies boyfriend is up for a little while, he is fun and can always depend on him to have smokes.  Which will help with my fast,  that god!  This weekend i will be so good its going to be fabulous. 
Cw:150 (ew)
Lw:120
Gw:120 by december
Gw2: 115 by february
Hw:161

This sucks i am so depressed.  I go to school two hours away from home and i havn't talked to my boyfriend in four days not even a text.  Im scared, i told him i loved him when i was home last weekend and he didnt say it cause he is scared.  He is going to japan in a year again.  I think he thinks that im going to leave like his last girlfriend did when he went to japan the first time.  I am hoping that its not true.  I was so thankful even tho i am so depressed the first thing i thought was to write to you girls cause i know i could talk to you awesome girls.  And the good thing i havn't even had a craving in the last five hours cause ive been so down.  so i guess there is always good in something.

Omg i just told my roommate that im back to my old ways.  Even b and pd today im so upset that i even went that far.  But whatever tomorrow is a new day im starting a five day liquid fast it will be fabulous.  But yeah my roommates boyfriend wants to come for a week, im scared when he was here i ate so much and drank so much beer like everyday and i was so lazy all i did was watch movies.  I know im masking my depression with my eating disorder right now and if i stopped taking my meds it would get worse, but im afraid if i stop listening to ana i might get really depressed.  I dont need therapy this time even if everyone thinks i need it.  I have my support with my weightless dolls they are fabulous.  I wish i could meet them all.  And my roomie is the only one thats going to know i refuse to have my boyfriend find out or my bestest from home.  I can do this.

Doing so well today, yesterday i did great too until my friend offered me a brownie.  I absolutely love chocolate but i good today focused and centered on being perfect.  Only had an apple and a diet pepsi, i feel empowered i just have to make it last. 

What a great day!  Woke up around eight went to all my classes only managed to eat an apple, two cups of tea and some diet pepsi.  Even when i worked at the cafe i didnt even eat any other the cookies, candy bars i did great.  I feel so empowered today and i feel like i can make my goal weight by december.  Im going to look fabulous, i just hope my roommate wont suspect anything as long as i eat less than 500 calories a day ill be good.  I even started a food journal online im so excited. 
Cw: 145 (i think no scale in my dorm)
Lw:125
Gw:120

So, i really tried starting my fast today.  My friend and i were going to start together. well she did a great job only an apple for breakfast and raw brocclei for lunch.  I however, continued to eat a cheese burger, grilled cheese, rice crispy treats and cookies. Im 145 pounds ew i almost weight as much as my boyfriend!  I want to be down to125 by the time i go back home in december.  I know i can do it